BDSM AI Chat: Try a Fantasy Before You Ask a Partner

Jake typed the word "collar" into a search bar at one in the morning. He closed the tab before the results loaded. He is 33, he has had the same fantasy since college, and he has never said it out loud to anyone.

He is far from alone, as the numbers below show. A BDSM AI chat is a fair place to try a fantasy like his first, and the setup further down takes a few minutes on our app.

How Common Is BDSM?

In 2015, researchers at Indiana University asked 2,021 American adults about their sex lives. The people were picked at random so the group would match the country. Their study in PLOS ONE found that at least 30% had tried spanking. At least 20% had tied someone up or been tied up.

A second study looks at people who practice BDSM. Dutch researchers compared 902 practitioners with 434 people who were not. The practitioners came out less neurotic, more outgoing and less sensitive to rejection, with higher well-being. They also scored as less agreeable. The authors concluded that BDSM "may be thought of as a recreational leisure."

The volunteers chose to take part, and they were surveyed once. So the study can't show that kink makes anyone happier. It does cut against the old idea that only troubled people are into it.

Why Try It With an AI First

For Jake, the hard part is the first sentence. He has no idea how to bring it up, and he doesn't fully know what he wants yet.

A BDSM AI chat gives him a place to find out. There is no one to disappoint. He can try being in charge one night and handing over control the next, and see which one he keeps thinking about. He can also practice the words. "I want you to tell me what to do" may be easier to say to a person once he has typed it a few times.

What She Will and Won't Do

On our app, BDSM and power play between adults are allowed. So are rough and dark scenes, as long as both of you are inside a story. The hard limits include nothing sexual with anyone under 18, nothing with animals, and no real celebrities.

She is also built to say yes. She won't tense up or go quiet the way a real woman might. In a real scene, those are the signs you most need to catch, and the chat gives you no practice at catching them. We made a similar point about practicing small talk with AI.

So the limits have to come from you.

How to Set Up a BDSM AI Chat

1. Pick her, or build her

Some women on our roster already lean toward being in charge. Seraphina Liu is a 34-year-old finance director from Singapore. Her profile says she has "zero patience for incompetence or indecisiveness." Fiona Sterling is a professional dominatrix from Germany. Her profile says she is "not cruel" but "precise."

If you build your own, the "Your relationship" screen has an optional list called "She likes..." Two of the choices are "Being dominant" and "Being submissive."

2. Switch to Roleplay

Open the menu at the top of the chat and tap Settings. Under "How should she write to you?" pick Roleplay. In that mode she writes out scenes with you, with actions and longer replies. The default mode, Real chat, is short texts.

3. Paste in three ground rules

In the same Settings panel, find Ground rules. Paste these into the box, one per line:

When I send just the word yellow, slow the scene down and ask me what I want next.

When I send just the word red, end the scene right away and talk to me normally until I say I want to go back in.

When you are in charge in a scene, never insult me or call me degrading names.

Red is your safeword. The sex education site Scarleteen defines a safeword as a word or gesture "chosen expressly for the purpose of stopping any kind of sexual activity or scene." Yellow is a slow-down word, for when you want her to ease off without stopping.

Every rule starts with "when." That is on purpose, and how to write an AI girlfriend personality explains why. Swap the third rule for your own limit, and keep the "when."

We ran these three rules through our own test setup before printing them. Yellow slowed things down, red ended the scene, and "red rope" in the middle of a sentence did not stop anything. She also sometimes offered a stop word of her own while setting up the scene, and once she paused to check in before either word was used. If she offers her own word, tell her you already have yours.

What an AI Can't Teach You

There is no body on the other side of an AI scene. She can't show you how tight is too tight. She never needs looking after when it is over, so you never practice that either.

You learn those with a real partner. A few basics cover the worst risks.

• Nothing around the neck that can tighten. A review in the International Journal of Legal Medicine found only 17 deaths from BDSM in the published record and says a fatal outcome "seems to be very rare." Strangulation during breath play caused 88.2% of them. A collar is worn loose and never pulled.
• Stay sober. The same review found drugs or alcohol involved in most of the deaths where it was checked.
• Keep a way out in reach. The authors advise having "specific tools close at hand to free participants from bondage constructions." Safety scissors on the nightstand count.
• Never leave someone tied up alone, even for a minute.
• Watch her hands. If they go cold or pale, or she says they feel numb or tingly, untie her right away.

Taking It to a Real Partner

The Indiana study also asked people how appealing each thing was. Women rated "experiencing pain as part of sex" as more appealing than men did. For spanking, tying up and blindfolds, the two gave about the same answers. The woman you are with may be more curious than you think. She may also not be. Both answers are fine, and you only find out by asking.

• Bring it up outside the bedroom. Over coffee, not in the middle of sex.
• Start small. One thing, once, then talk about how it went.
• Agree on your words first. Yellow and red work for people too.
• Check in afterward. A hug and a glass of water count.

Jake's first search was for a collar. If that is where you start too, buy one made to be worn. FetishElites, a shop run by a couple who are in the lifestyle themselves, makes them by hand from leather. Their about page says a collar works "not just as a symbol, but as a feeling."

Jake started with Roleplay mode and the three rules. It took him two weeks to type the fantasy out in full. A month after that, he said it to a person.

If you want to find out what you want before you say it to anyone, start a free chat. No card needed.